All I wanted was a functioning computer. Microsoft had bigger plans.
By Catherine Watson
MY OLD computer served me well but after 10 years it was full and Windows 10 had been declared extinct. I put it off for as long as possible before going to see the boys at C&S Computers. They recommend a refurbished model with twice the storage and Windows 11. They assure me they’ve removed the Microsoft bloatware.
Day 1
I’m reasonably confident as I sit down to begin the long process of transferring the contents of the old machine.
MY OLD computer served me well but after 10 years it was full and Windows 10 had been declared extinct. I put it off for as long as possible before going to see the boys at C&S Computers. They recommend a refurbished model with twice the storage and Windows 11. They assure me they’ve removed the Microsoft bloatware.
Day 1
I’m reasonably confident as I sit down to begin the long process of transferring the contents of the old machine.
I connect to the internet and the computer blooms with “features”:
Microsoft News
Microsoft Copilot
Microsoft Bing
Microsoft Weather
Microsoft Quizzes
Microsoft Widgets
Microsoft OneDrive
Microsoft Teams
Microsoft Skype
Microsoft Clipchamp
I decline and delete and delete and decline and uninstall. I turn off as many Microsoft settings as I can find.
There is no Mac-like Migration wizard on Windows to transfer programs, settings, emails and passwords. Every paid program will have to be uninstalled on the old computer and reinstalled on the new one, with the right email address and password.
I know I’ve got five email addresses but I’m astonished to find I have passwords for 28 programs and 127 websites.
I have my old computer open as well and ChatGPT helps me overcome difficulties along the way.
After five hours I switch off feeling reasonably content. It’s gone better than I expected.
Day 2
I turn on the new computer. Something called Windows Hello tells me I need a PIN to log in. I don’t have a PIN so Hello tells me I have to create one. When I do, it tells me I can’t. When I click on Other Options it takes me back to the Log in screen. I’m caught in a loop: create PIN → PIN rejected → reset PIN → PIN rejected → repeat.
I turn off the computer and start again. Same impasse. Hey, I bought the computer. Is it even legal for Microsoft to stop me from using it?
I ask ChatGPT’s advice. We try opening in safe mode. Nope. We disconnect from the internet. Nope. At one point, the @ key stages turns into a quotation mark. Turns out Microsoft has decided I’m using a US keyboard. Nothing we can do until we get past the Microsoft sentry. I just have to think in reverse for a while.
We use hidden options and hidden bypasses to force an offline login.
Microsoft News
Microsoft Copilot
Microsoft Bing
Microsoft Weather
Microsoft Quizzes
Microsoft Widgets
Microsoft OneDrive
Microsoft Teams
Microsoft Skype
Microsoft Clipchamp
I decline and delete and delete and decline and uninstall. I turn off as many Microsoft settings as I can find.
There is no Mac-like Migration wizard on Windows to transfer programs, settings, emails and passwords. Every paid program will have to be uninstalled on the old computer and reinstalled on the new one, with the right email address and password.
I know I’ve got five email addresses but I’m astonished to find I have passwords for 28 programs and 127 websites.
I have my old computer open as well and ChatGPT helps me overcome difficulties along the way.
After five hours I switch off feeling reasonably content. It’s gone better than I expected.
Day 2
I turn on the new computer. Something called Windows Hello tells me I need a PIN to log in. I don’t have a PIN so Hello tells me I have to create one. When I do, it tells me I can’t. When I click on Other Options it takes me back to the Log in screen. I’m caught in a loop: create PIN → PIN rejected → reset PIN → PIN rejected → repeat.
I turn off the computer and start again. Same impasse. Hey, I bought the computer. Is it even legal for Microsoft to stop me from using it?
I ask ChatGPT’s advice. We try opening in safe mode. Nope. We disconnect from the internet. Nope. At one point, the @ key stages turns into a quotation mark. Turns out Microsoft has decided I’m using a US keyboard. Nothing we can do until we get past the Microsoft sentry. I just have to think in reverse for a while.
We use hidden options and hidden bypasses to force an offline login.
Nope. ChatGPT remains upbeat. “This is a backdoor a lot of techs use … It drops you straight onto the desktop.”
We try one last fix. Using the hidden “netplwiz” bypass from Recovery Environment to delete the corrupted PIN files from Recovery
We try one last fix. Using the hidden “netplwiz” bypass from Recovery Environment to delete the corrupted PIN files from Recovery
Nope. We’ve been at it for three hours now and my brain hurts. I call time. “I've had enough for today, ChatGPT. Thanks for trying.”
“I completely understand — that’s exactly the kind of Windows nonsense that makes you want to throw the keyboard out the window. 😅”
Chat GPT
Day 3
I switch on with a sense of dread. ChatGPT has assured me several times that if all else fails we can use "the nuclear option”. Restoring Windows. All the programs, passwords, apps and settings I did on day one will be wiped. It feels like burning down the house to get rid of a mouse.
An hour later, with the reset complete, I start again. With ChatGPT’s help I tiptoe past the booby traps and succeed in creating a local account, the key for anyone who doesn’t want Microsoft controlling their life.
OneDrive insists on saving my files on the cloud rather than on the computer. We uninstall it in four or five places but there is always a sixth place, lurking deep in registry settings.
And Bing keep popping up with all its cheery crap. Together we track down the last of the beast’s lairs: background installers hidden deep in the Windows registry, auto-launchers, “consumer experience” features and “suggested content”.
I know our ancestors had it tough, having to kill mammoths and stuff, but they didn't have to fight this mind-numbing insanity.
Piece by piece, we dismantle it.
ChatGPT (my bestie by now) and I agree we have nailed bloody Microsoft once and for all. I switch off with relief.
Day 4
I turn on the computer. No internet and no connections are available. I restart and the internet is working. Turns out Microsoft has turned on a power saving mode that disconnects the internet every time the computer is turned off. Just trying to be helpful. We switch off power saving mode. I think we're done.
Then I make a terrible mistake.
I buy and download a second-hand 2024 Office program from an obscure German company. It's a one-off payment of $39 for three devices compared with Microsoft’s subscription of $159 a year, and it means I can avoid all the Microsoft crap.
I should have known better! Not about the German company, which turns out to be legit, but about that digital thug Bill Gates and his coercive, manipulative, devious program.
The minute I instal Office, the monster rises from the dead. OneDrive returns and saves my files where I don’t want them and can’t find them. So does Teams and the Microsoft Store apps I’ve already executed twice. Bing pops up again. It’s like a horror movie.
ChatGPT talks me down and talks me through. By now I’m familiar with most of the hiding places.
Day 5
I switch on and the desktop is silent. No “news”. No weather. No quizzes. Just a blank, peaceful screen. Bliss!
It took a week. Not because I’m a novice – after all, I’m the Post’s entire IT department – but because Windows is designed to keep us in its clutches. Microsoft always knows best.
F%$# off, Microsoft, and stop helping me.
I switch on with a sense of dread. ChatGPT has assured me several times that if all else fails we can use "the nuclear option”. Restoring Windows. All the programs, passwords, apps and settings I did on day one will be wiped. It feels like burning down the house to get rid of a mouse.
An hour later, with the reset complete, I start again. With ChatGPT’s help I tiptoe past the booby traps and succeed in creating a local account, the key for anyone who doesn’t want Microsoft controlling their life.
OneDrive insists on saving my files on the cloud rather than on the computer. We uninstall it in four or five places but there is always a sixth place, lurking deep in registry settings.
And Bing keep popping up with all its cheery crap. Together we track down the last of the beast’s lairs: background installers hidden deep in the Windows registry, auto-launchers, “consumer experience” features and “suggested content”.
I know our ancestors had it tough, having to kill mammoths and stuff, but they didn't have to fight this mind-numbing insanity.
Piece by piece, we dismantle it.
ChatGPT (my bestie by now) and I agree we have nailed bloody Microsoft once and for all. I switch off with relief.
Day 4
I turn on the computer. No internet and no connections are available. I restart and the internet is working. Turns out Microsoft has turned on a power saving mode that disconnects the internet every time the computer is turned off. Just trying to be helpful. We switch off power saving mode. I think we're done.
Then I make a terrible mistake.
I buy and download a second-hand 2024 Office program from an obscure German company. It's a one-off payment of $39 for three devices compared with Microsoft’s subscription of $159 a year, and it means I can avoid all the Microsoft crap.
I should have known better! Not about the German company, which turns out to be legit, but about that digital thug Bill Gates and his coercive, manipulative, devious program.
The minute I instal Office, the monster rises from the dead. OneDrive returns and saves my files where I don’t want them and can’t find them. So does Teams and the Microsoft Store apps I’ve already executed twice. Bing pops up again. It’s like a horror movie.
ChatGPT talks me down and talks me through. By now I’m familiar with most of the hiding places.
Day 5
I switch on and the desktop is silent. No “news”. No weather. No quizzes. Just a blank, peaceful screen. Bliss!
It took a week. Not because I’m a novice – after all, I’m the Post’s entire IT department – but because Windows is designed to keep us in its clutches. Microsoft always knows best.
F%$# off, Microsoft, and stop helping me.