They also serve who only sit and wait

An open letter to whom it may concern
​Re: My ordeal during the making of the ​Ecology of Orchids and Their Pollinators

​My name is Basil.  I am writing this open letter to place on record the ordeal I have been subjected to during the production of this orchid book by his nibs, my so-called master.  The ordeal has lasted for 35 doggie years, during which I have transitioned from being a young very fit ten-year-old kelpie-cross to a now geriatric senior citizen, who struggles physically but still has to manage his nibs and keep him out of trouble.  

It all began the day after I was rescued from the Stonnington Pound.  I was taken to The Gurdies Reserve with the promise of forest adventures, chasing kangaroos and wallabies.  I was full of excitement and the day started well.  As I waited in the Dunbabbin Lookout Car Park while his nibs packed our lunch bag, I noticed a kangaroo grazing on the edge of the nearby farm paddock.  

I had a wonderful time chasing him into the forest, but on returning to the car, I was severely reprimanded.  I spent the rest of the day attached to a stupid lead, which his nibs used to drag me along the forest tracks, in between lying on the ground pointing his silly camera at strange looking plants he called orchids.  Little did I know that this would be my fate for the next 35 years that it took his nibs to produce his new book.  

Rather than just leaving you to judge the worth of the published book from its fancy design, and colourful photographs and his nibs’ exaggerated claims, I thought you should be made aware of the chaos behind the production of the book, which was largely due to his nibs’ incompetence.  He would have you believe that he created the book.  In fact, he just wrote the text and paid the bills.  More important were my roles as Supervisor of his nibs’ forest activities and Director of Photography, which required the taking of over 50,000 photographs and selecting the photos that best illustrated the dynamic life of pollinators in the orchid habitats investigated. 

During the 900-day, 2000-hour investigation, at least three hours were spent each day sitting beside orchids waiting to photograph the insects and spiders that visited the orchids.  Apparently, the main subjects of interest were the orchid pollinators, which included irritating ants, bees, wasps, hoverflies and fungus gnats.  I could understand why his nibs found the colourful, super intelligent and fast-flying bees and the charismatic wasps to be exciting.   

But I ask you, how could anyone be interested in FUNGUS GNATS? His nibs claims that fungus gnats are interesting because they are the pollinators of the strange looking greenhoods.  However, because they’re very timid and so small, they were hardly ever seen.  And when they landed on the orchids, they quickly disappeared from view because of being catapulted into the internal cavities of the flowers.  

Waiting for the pollinators was very boring, but his nibs was content to wait no matter how long it took … which was often an interminably long time for a dynamic kelpie with better things to do.  Generally, the pollinators were such rare visitors to the orchids that we had to wait days, weeks and, in some cases, years before they landed on the orchids.   The most extreme case was the bee pollinator of the potato orchid, cinnamon bells … it took four seasons (years) staring at these ugly orchids before a pollinator was seen landing on one of the orchids.  

And there were some orchids that were not seen to be visited by their pollinators during the entire five-year investigation, for example, flying duck orchids, which were probably avoided by their sawfly pollinators because of their resident spiders. 

​Also, the pollinators that landed on the orchids were rarely seen picking up or depositing the pollen (pollinia).  This was particularly so for bees.  The average time it took to see bees with orchid pollen was about 50 hours per bee!  

Imagine how frustrating these long fruitless waits were for an excitable kelpie who expects nonstop action.  BUT his nibs expected me to remain still for hours in very uncomfortable positions, waiting for the wretched bees to land on the orchids.  Sometimes, I took matters into my own hands and sat on the orchids, which invariably caused angry outbursts from his nibs.  

​And then there was the pain of being savaged by mosquitoes, march flies and ants while we waited beside the orchids.  It was all very well for his nibs … He covered himself with protective clothing, but he left me exposed to these voracious carnivores who, after savaging my nose, taunted me by landing on nearby plants filled with my blood! 

Another problem encountered while we wandered through the forest searching for orchids was that his nibs frequently got lost and expected me to lead him back to the main tracks.  I don’t understand how someone who claimed to be a professor was so incompetent at navigation. 

At least the forays into the forest were more exciting than sitting beside wretched orchids, particularly when we came across kangaroos, wallabies and tree goannas.  But much to my disgust, I was not allowed to chase these delicious smelling beasts.  And yet, his nibs let me investigate echidnas, apparently because he got amusement out of seeing my poor nose hitting their sharp spikes!

And then there were snakes, which I had to constantly watch out for, and stop them from attacking his nibs ...  I even had to chase away some snakes that had emerged from the bushes close to where we were sitting beside orchids.  Fortunately, one snake, which I had to stop his nibs from treading on, was too busy eating a captured banjo frog to worry about biting his nibs. 

Finally, I can’t finish without commenting on his nibs’ obsession with sand and gravel mining. Throughout my 35 years of being taken into the Gurdies forest I’ve had to put up with his whinging about the environmental damage resulting from mining in the Reserve.  And I had to endure being dragged through dense forest to vantage points where his nibs could photograph the toxic waste sludge from sand washing that had been dumped in the old mine site. 

What all this complaining indicated was that his nibs could not see the forest for the trees.  In particular, he failed to notice or appreciate the benefits of the mining operations, which included meeting the nice Save the Woodlands protesters, who frequently visited the Reserve, apparently searching for powerful owls and southern brown bandicoots.  To my delight, many of these visitors enjoyed playing with me and giving me treats. 
​
The benefits of mining in the reserve also included the creation of lovely ponds for me to swim in while his nibs wasted time chasing pollinators.  

Ps. ​Ecology of Orchids and Their Pollinators is on sale at the Bunurong Environment Centre in Inverloch and Turn the Page bookshop in Cowes.