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Would you like a credit card extension with that?

3/7/2018

7 Comments

 
PictureCartoon by Natasha Williams-Novak
On a visit to her local bank, Catherine Watson discovers that she’s too feckless to get a loan but still qualifies for the special offers.

​
By Catherine Watson

WHEN I told the bank manager my income, she looked amazed. And not in a good way.
 
A bit of freelance writing. A bit of rent. It didn’t amount to much. Any benefits or pensions? No. Any super? No. It didn’t look good.
 
I’d told them that as soon as I sat down. I didn't have a job or much income. I just wanted to know in general terms whether I could extend a loan for a few months until I sold a house.

There were two of them. A nervous young woman asked the questions. A slightly older woman – the bank manager? – was sitting in.
 
“We’ll just get a few details first.”  Name. Address. Occupation. I said I did a bit of freelance writing but I didn’t have a regular job. I’d already told them that.
 
Was I still working for the employer nominated on my bank records? Clearly not. 
 
The young woman continued, reading from a script on her computer. What were my goals: travel? a new car? education? to build my superannuation? No, no, no, no. What were my retirement plans? Was I interested in wealth creation?
 
I peeked at her computer and saw there was a long way to go. I interrupted the flow. “I’m 62!“ I said. “I’m already there. It’s not the future, it’s the present. I’m living the dream.”
 
They exchanged a glance. It said: “Do you think she’s dangerous?” The bank manager steered the interview back to safer ground.
 
How much was I earning as a freelance writer? Not much. I’d already told them that. What were my living expenses? Rates? Power? Phone? Obviously I was living way beyond my means, and we hadn’t even got on to the booze and smokes. The manager kept wrangling the figures to see how much they could lend me and the answer kept coming back: “Zero.”
 
She looked at me sternly. “Would you like to make an appointment with one of our financial consultants?”
 
They looked hurt when I laughed. The younger woman glanced at her computer and tried a different tack. This house I was going to sell … was it insured? No, I mumbled. “I haven’t got around to it yet.”
 
“Is house insurance important to you?” she asked.
 
Where was this going? “A little,” I said cautiously. “Not very, clearly.”
 
“Would you like to talk to one of our consultants about house insurance?” she said triumphantly.
 
Ah! Thank you for your concern. No I wouldn’t. I really just wanted to borrow some of your money for a few months.
 
I was wasting my time and theirs. “Thanks anyway,” I said and got up to leave. But they weren’t letting me get away that easily.
 
The manager had one final suggestion: how about using my credit card to cover the shortfall until I sold the house?
 
“You mean it’s too risky to lend me money at 5 per cent,” I said, “but you’d lend me money at 18 per cent?"
 
“Hmmm,” she mumbled. I didn’t catch it. I beat it before they could sell me funeral insurance.

7 Comments
Felicia Di Stefano
6/7/2018 03:31:35 pm

I have not laughed so much for a long time. Thank you Catherine, I needed a good laugh just now.

Reply
Kevin Chambers
7/7/2018 08:50:42 am

Well written/spoken Catherine.

And there were "them's" that fiercely opposed a banking Royal Commission???... The way the bank treated you is just another "case study"

Even tho Heather and I are now back living in leafy Greensborough I still enjoy reading your "freelancing"
I also enjoyed the article on development in Bass Coast and tho we did the "baby boomer reverse move", (for family reasons), I am comforted by knowing I had my 65 plus years holidaying living down there.

No container ports close to here either!!! Tho I see that Kawasaki project will be container port mark 2 if it proceeds, but I did my bit on "Mark 1".

Keep up the good work.

Kev Chambers

Reply
Linda Cuttriss
7/7/2018 09:10:03 am

Thanks Catherine for giving me a good laugh (with you, not at you of course) on this bleak winter Saturday morning. Priceless.

Reply
Mark Robertson
7/7/2018 12:03:45 pm

Catherine , you should have held out longer - they may have offered you a free set of steak knives!

Reply
bob middleton
7/7/2018 01:39:55 pm

What a hoot Catherine. Can only hope that the bank manager and her apprentice get to read your account but no doubt will miss the hilarity of the situation. Great cartoon Natasha.

Reply
Mark
19/7/2018 09:00:04 am

I have lived that situation a few times myself.

Reply
John Gascoigne link
30/10/2018 10:34:31 am

Lovely story, Wattie, and immediately I visualise it in something like The Age. But then I see it through your eyes: this is local journalism, it doesn't look for or need a larger audience. The BCP draws its life from locals who are its raison d'etre. So if you want state & national politics & Middle East wars, then buy the frickin Age! Which reminds me of our Usman Khawaja discussion; he plays cricket for his pleasure and profit, not for the prophet Mohammad and His worshippers.

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