Charlie Chaplin got his own back in The Bank. By Geoff Ellis
LAST century I joined a credit union. It was staffed by friendly locals who taught me how to get money out of the hole in their wall. Most Fridays I popped in to pay back a few twenties from my pay packet. Everyone on both sides of the counter was happy.
Since then I have moved many times while they have expanded through multiple mergers. As the number of branches declined, online banking became the order of the day
Eventually I moved interstate. Although there were no branches in Victoria I still did my banking through that credit union. Monthly statements kept arriving in the mail box to ensure that I could keep track.
The years rolled on. The credit union became a bank. Last year weird text messages started arriving from something called Sydney Mutual Bank reminding me that my payment was due. Then overdue.
LAST century I joined a credit union. It was staffed by friendly locals who taught me how to get money out of the hole in their wall. Most Fridays I popped in to pay back a few twenties from my pay packet. Everyone on both sides of the counter was happy.
Since then I have moved many times while they have expanded through multiple mergers. As the number of branches declined, online banking became the order of the day
Eventually I moved interstate. Although there were no branches in Victoria I still did my banking through that credit union. Monthly statements kept arriving in the mail box to ensure that I could keep track.
The years rolled on. The credit union became a bank. Last year weird text messages started arriving from something called Sydney Mutual Bank reminding me that my payment was due. Then overdue.
During lockdown, time was elastic so it was hard to note the passing of the months. The credit union might have at least told me that the statements had ceased. Or was I misplacing them in some lockdown miasma?
Mmm, OK. I transfer some money. The payment takes two weeks to reach its target. A cryptic “'wrong account number” lurks in the details.
Maybe it’s me. Next month, same story. And again 30 days later. More “overdue” messages and letters arrive, reinforcing the need for me to keep in front. But no statement, just reminders phrased as threats.
I have to ring1800 and the rest. Menus, queues and mindless music punctuated with essays about their great customer service. Finally a human tells me that I should check my monthly statements. It must be me.
Another month passes sans a statement. Another call and another human confides that they have stopped posting statements, they are only available online.
I check my online account. Can't find a statement in that rabbit warren of options and adverts for loans.
Another call. "Oh, they aren't on your page, we email you a link to our site and you can download them.” When? “Every month on the 25th.” I check my emails, going back several months. Nothing.
Another call. Can you just email me the statement? "No, we can only send you the link." I check that they have my correct email as the contact.
Two months later, still no email, no link and no statement; just more text messages. I make another call, to a different human. "We're sending emails to you." I check again. I still can't find them. Maybe it’s me.
I ring again and ask when the last one was sent. A different human. "I can’t find any email to you," she tells me “but you know you can pay over the counter at the Post Office? Just swipe your card and give them the cash."
In a flash I'm there and it works up to the point that I need to remember my PIN. I can't remember the PIN.
I ring yet another human. “Forgot your PIN? We can’t change your PIN. We don't do that anymore. You have to download the phone banking app to your phone. Then YOU change your PIN. Your account is more secure this way.”
I download the app but the connection is dodgy, there is a bit of a storm brewing and by the time I change the PIN it's too late for today. Everything is shut.
Overnight the storm hits and next day everything, including the Post Office, is shut. The day after, the PO is open but offline. Cash only, no cards. Thousands of homes have no power so my troubles are minor.
Then it’s the weekend and Monday is a public holiday, so I finally get another go on Tuesday. It’s only been a week. All good and my PIN works. My payment is rejected. "Invalid Transaction"
On the phone another human tries to tell me I got the PIN wrong. I didn't, it would have said incorrect PIN.
She takes pity on me and takes the time to work out that I've been lost in one of the mergers and that's when the statements stopped. She asks, "Why don't I just email you the statement?"
Ten minutes later I pay the bill online after entering my new account number. They might have told me the account numbers changed with the latest merger.
Before I log off I check their latest blurb: “… members continue to benefit from an ever-changing banking environment whilst being offered the best possible service”.
Let’s see what happens next month.
Mmm, OK. I transfer some money. The payment takes two weeks to reach its target. A cryptic “'wrong account number” lurks in the details.
Maybe it’s me. Next month, same story. And again 30 days later. More “overdue” messages and letters arrive, reinforcing the need for me to keep in front. But no statement, just reminders phrased as threats.
I have to ring1800 and the rest. Menus, queues and mindless music punctuated with essays about their great customer service. Finally a human tells me that I should check my monthly statements. It must be me.
Another month passes sans a statement. Another call and another human confides that they have stopped posting statements, they are only available online.
I check my online account. Can't find a statement in that rabbit warren of options and adverts for loans.
Another call. "Oh, they aren't on your page, we email you a link to our site and you can download them.” When? “Every month on the 25th.” I check my emails, going back several months. Nothing.
Another call. Can you just email me the statement? "No, we can only send you the link." I check that they have my correct email as the contact.
Two months later, still no email, no link and no statement; just more text messages. I make another call, to a different human. "We're sending emails to you." I check again. I still can't find them. Maybe it’s me.
I ring again and ask when the last one was sent. A different human. "I can’t find any email to you," she tells me “but you know you can pay over the counter at the Post Office? Just swipe your card and give them the cash."
In a flash I'm there and it works up to the point that I need to remember my PIN. I can't remember the PIN.
I ring yet another human. “Forgot your PIN? We can’t change your PIN. We don't do that anymore. You have to download the phone banking app to your phone. Then YOU change your PIN. Your account is more secure this way.”
I download the app but the connection is dodgy, there is a bit of a storm brewing and by the time I change the PIN it's too late for today. Everything is shut.
Overnight the storm hits and next day everything, including the Post Office, is shut. The day after, the PO is open but offline. Cash only, no cards. Thousands of homes have no power so my troubles are minor.
Then it’s the weekend and Monday is a public holiday, so I finally get another go on Tuesday. It’s only been a week. All good and my PIN works. My payment is rejected. "Invalid Transaction"
On the phone another human tries to tell me I got the PIN wrong. I didn't, it would have said incorrect PIN.
She takes pity on me and takes the time to work out that I've been lost in one of the mergers and that's when the statements stopped. She asks, "Why don't I just email you the statement?"
Ten minutes later I pay the bill online after entering my new account number. They might have told me the account numbers changed with the latest merger.
Before I log off I check their latest blurb: “… members continue to benefit from an ever-changing banking environment whilst being offered the best possible service”.
Let’s see what happens next month.