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'Not a good look'

25/1/2024

13 Comments

 
PictureAI generated image - not the author!
By Selena Routley

Being alone, homeless (I am currently living in a van) and a writer, I often seek spaces like cafés and pubs to be in an environment where people, especially families with children, are enjoying each other’s company. Most proprietors in Inverloch know me by sight and are lovely to me. Most people in the area likewise are wonderful. 

On New Year’s Eve, I was in a local hotel. I had been wonderfully uplifted and inspired by the gorgeous sunset and was busy writing and enjoying my wine when one of a heavily drinking group intruded on my space with a “Ow’s it goin, Luv?!”.

When I said firmly that, as a German, I found his behavior inconsiderately forward, the whole table of wassailing yobbos erupted in a gush of constant insults and goads towards me. I was clearly considered to be “rude” and “stuck up”.

I should like to put a certain group of heterosexual men in our area on notice.  I do not think I am alone amongst women in holding the following views. You are NOT entitled to a woman’s attention OR her conversation. Or that of anyone else, for that matter. 

Yet some individuals become nasty and threatening when they intrude on a woman and are rebuffed – no matter how politely – when she is minding her own business and it is obvious to anyone with a shred of decency and whit of social skills that she is not seeking attention, and indeed does not want it. 

I shifted tables. The whole drunken table decamped and followed me. They showed their ugly man-child puerility, petulance and sheer sense of entitlement to women. This happened three times, until the publican told me that “working on a computer is not a good look” and that I would have to leave.

Then things took a particularly dark twist. One of the men added that he knew where I – a single woman - was camping and that he was watching me.

Are Australians so rigid that they get uptight about someone writing poetry in a space that should be devoted to socialization, friendliness, inclusiveness and the comfort of others that all we humans seek? I don't think so, especially in Inverloch, where there are many of us literary types. 

But there are those amongst us who clearly need to be approached only with extreme caution and are a threat to women's safety. I would not want my daughter in this particular bar. 
13 Comments
Amy Lowell
25/1/2024 02:33:12 pm

Hmmmm ... it seems to me this started with a simple misunderstanding. "Ow's it going, luv" isn't a pick-up line, it's a simple greeting, the Australian equivalent of the German "Guten tag".
The correct response in this situation is "Yeah ... good." The respondent may then return to her book, pad or laptop. Or should she wish to prolong the conversation she could ask the bloke in turn "Ow'er you?"
A shame it seems to have been lost in translation.

Reply
Selene Routley
28/1/2024 08:33:41 pm

I’m sorry, but my English comprehension is far, far, far better than that. I work in both English and German at native speaker proficiency . This was in no way equivalent to “Guten Tag”. Indeed, i find the comparison quaint and naïve. Quite aside from the fact that no German in that last 15 years has greeted me with “Guten Tag”. It sounds like a German textbook written in Britain in the 1940s. Goons and John Cleese humor. Atrophied and archaic. Less politely, it’s a clueless comment and ignorant of consistent behavior of drunken men in our society. Behavior that is a total disgrace as an example to our children.

Reply
Mark
24/5/2024 12:08:21 pm

Well said Selene. They were being pests.

Claudia Marcia Sample.
24/5/2024 09:37:53 pm

Hi dear SELENA, I really hope that you have be strong to confront this bad time. My English is not perfect. I am Brazilian, living on Melbourne for 7 years. Alone either, my son it's in BRAZIL. So, I feel lonely either, because to find good and trustful people, it's really pretty hard. But, I really would like to know you, if you wish that either.
I need to confess to you, that after many bad experiences, I have preferred be alone, literally.
But, you must be a very kindness and very appreciable company.
Please, if you would like to start a new and to share our experiences in life. So, I lives in government house, but, lots of problems on my building. But, I would like so much, to have you any time, to have a nice lunch, or dinner. I am not lesbian. But, maybe we can starts a good friendship. I am leaving at PRAHRAN. Please, you can write to my email. I will be very happy, sincerely! Please, keep in touch, and you will be very welcome!
Lots of blessings, luck in all ways. But if you wish, yes, you will have a friend, to share some meals. All my best wishes dear Selena. ♥️ Claudia

CHRISTINE GRAYDEN
25/1/2024 11:11:18 pm

I'm very sorry this happened to you Selena. I don't see this as just good old Aussie bloke friendliness, lost in translation. At least one of the party knew you were camping and where and made a point of telling you so. That in itself is extremely creepy and designed to scare you. That's not being remotely friendly. They clearly identified you as different from the norm, an alone female and an easy target for bullying, dominating macho behavior. You would do well to keep right away from that venue and any others where they are likely to frequent. Unfortunately there are many people in the world who fear and or distrust writers, (and especially poets) and target writers with intimidation as a way to silence them. Stay safe.

Reply
David Arnault
26/1/2024 07:15:59 pm

I find I agree with both Amy and Christine in some regards. The initial contact seemed intrusive, but might have been harmless and possibly that might have been the case were Selena not dealing with drunks. The problem quickly became much more serious after that initial interaction, in fact it was downright creepy: drunken men hunting in packs, and that became clear as soon as they followed you to another location. At that stage the publican had a responsibility to intervene and try to calm them down. If that had failed, he should have called the police. I'm a writer as well and I love to write or sometimes read a book in cafes. I ran for office once and was accosted by a group of men (young, fit looking men, tradies I guessed) in a pub in Koo Wee Rup who recognised me as the Greens candidate and they threatened to take me outside and kick the shit out of me. No one in the pub, including the young man behind the bar, did or said anything, which was perplexing to me. There would have been 40 or 50 others watching this melodrama unfold. I'm a man but I don't trust men, and I certainly steer clear of drunks, but I still maintain that bystanders have responsibilities, so do business owners: it's just not bloody good enough. Why didn't someone intervene in my example or yours, Selena? Toxic masculinity fuelled by drinking can slip into violence in an instant: that's the reality, and what we're doing to solve this problem just isn't working in the country. No, the publican ought to have called them out and if that didn't work called the police at the first indication that the situation was getting out of hand. My sympathies are with you Selena, and with all women who find themselves in such situations. It pisses me off. Take care.

Reply
Mark
24/5/2024 12:10:30 pm

My thoughts exactly Christine. Appalling that Selene was exposed to this. It makes we wonder how their wives/intimate partners/children would view this.

Reply
Margaret Lee
28/1/2024 04:34:34 pm

I am so sorry you were subjected to such behaviour Selena. The Publican should have leant support to you not the yobbos

Reply
Mim
31/1/2024 04:15:24 pm

Selena, I’m so sorry this happened to you. To be subjected to this behaviour is not to be tolerated. I hope you are okay! Stay positive. Stay safe.

Reply
Janette Wilcox link
24/5/2024 12:46:05 pm

Hi Selena You handled it well. They were out of line. I love the Bass Coast and have friends down that way. I just read that you are homeless and now in Melbourne. Let me know if you need a place to stay. I have a spare room and bathroom in inner north. I’m a straight ecofeminist. Janette Wilcox

Reply
Claudia Sample. link
24/5/2024 09:50:39 pm

Pkease dear SELENA, contact myself. I really would like to have your friendship. And, that we can meet each other, to share maybe, any pizza. Please, I am very serious, and descent person, as you sounds be. I can't to do much for you, but, we can give always some words, to say that you will be welcome to have a lunch with me.
Please, answer. Will be very pleasant and a true honour, to have a friend as you. I had my second marriage breaking down either, on NSW, and, was so hard fir me and my unique son, from my first marriage.
Please, answer.
Lots of hugs.
Claudia 💜 💜 💜 💪💪💪

Reply
Will
24/5/2024 10:23:01 pm

I love the eloquence in your writing - and am horrified at the absurdity of testosterone (and alcohol) fuelled men. I saw the article on your living arrangements on ABC, and hope that things will turn around for you as quickly as they can. Keep your head up, and keep these fuckwit men at bay. You'll get there. Cheers

Reply
Patrick
25/5/2024 09:39:56 am

I was reading the ABC news today and may be able to assist.
Contact if the email address is visible to you.
Regards,

Reply



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