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4/10/2018

18 Comments

 
PictureGraduation day … a photograph of Nicole taken about 18 months before she took her own life.
By Joy Button
 
MONDAY, September 10, World Suicide Prevention Day ... I spend the day quietly thinking and wondering how my life has come to this.  Eleven years after my daughter Nicole chose to end her life, on the day of her birth, at 38 years of age, I still don’t have the answers.
 
If you had asked me 12 or 13 years ago what I know about depression, I would have said nothing. I had no understanding of mental illness or the cause of such a deep, dark, illness. It is an illness that you cannot see. No scars, no marks, no rash, no visible crutches. Nothing that someone can recognise and say “How sad, that person has depression.”

If you had asked me if I would have a child who would take her life, I would have been shocked. Who? Me? No history of mental illness in our family. No, not me. We are just your normal family.
 
Still, I found myself in the emergency department of the Royal Melbourne Hospital just over 12 years ago listening to a nurse who was telling me that depression will, in a few years, be bigger than heart disease. I was in total shock that my daughter had attempted to take her own life. Our heads were spinning like they do in the movies. I still wanted to say ... no, not us. We are just a normal family of two daughters, paying off a mortgage. We have no history of mental illness. We had not seen any signs that our eldest daughter was suffering from depression.
 
A few days later, at the police station, we learned this was not Nicole’s first attempt to end her life but her second. We left the police station on auto pilot.
 
Not being biased, of course, but our daughter was a highly intelligent young lady. Attractive. In a very successful career in the banking industry and seemingly reaping the rewards for much study and commitment at the workplace.
 
Looking back, there may have been some warning signs, but we missed them. Just little hints ... like striving for perfection. That seems to be a great indicator. A lot of people who suffer depression strive to be perfect. Their bodies have to be perfect. They have to look perfect. Everything, all their achievements in work and in what they do in life, have to be perfect.
 
A psychiatrist set Nicole a challenge after her second attempt: to make gingerbread biscuits and to bring in biscuits that were not ... you guessed it … perfect.
 
At the time I thought it was odd but now, after all the stuff I’ve read, I have some understanding.
 
People who suffer depression can be very popular and much loved but their opinion of themselves is rock bottom. They think they are hopeless. Useless. Not worth anyone’s time.
If you know someone who is suffering from depression, they need more than “Are you okay?” They need more reassurance that they are loved dearly and will be missed forever if they choose to leave.
 
Depression, suicide, is a terrible illness in our community. We are constantly finding cures for physical illnesses but there seems to be very little being done about people who have mental illness. There is still a stigma, no matter what people say.
 
And there is still a stigma when you have to say that you have lost a child through suicide. A terrible word, suicide. It sounds so harsh when it is said out loud.
 
When someone chooses to end their own life, family and friends experience a huge trauma. They, almost certainly, will never recover from the loss.
 
I wish we could have saved our daughter. To have a future with her. To have grandchildren. Her death has divided our family in a way that we could never, ever have imagined.
 
As a parent, you feel you have failed your child and that is a normal reaction. Later, if you are lucky, you may realise that it was not your fault.
 
Nicole told us that a psychiatrist had told her that if he kept her alive for 12 months, he would have done his job! I was appalled at the time and totally shocked. But he was right. He gave her 12 months extra. But we still lost her.
 
It does help to talk to others who have also lost a loved one as a result of suicide. A support group, South Gippsland Support After Suicide, meets at the Grantville Transaction Centre from 10am to noon on the fourth Thursday of the month. We have a cup of tea and a chat. The group is supported by trained counsellors from Support After Suicide, which is a part of Jesuit Social Services. They also conduct some fabulous workshops that can help in healing the trauma of losing a loved one from suicide.
18 Comments
Ant
5/10/2018 09:14:50 am

Thank you Joy for sharing this very personal and emotional story. It would have been mentally and physically exhausting to write this, but you did to help others. thank you

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Joy
5/10/2018 01:04:22 pm

Thank you Ant. Support After Suicide have been a huge help to us and wanting to give back some of the fabulous help and support we have had.

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Jody Ross
5/10/2018 01:03:23 pm

Oh, Joy, Thank you so much for sharing this, Bless your heart, and Richard's as well..My heart ached with that story of your life,.

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Joy
5/10/2018 03:26:52 pm

Thank you Jody.

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Jenny
5/10/2018 01:06:56 pm

How brave of you Joy to share your story with everyone. It is indicative of your caring and sharing nature that you can do this now. I am so proud to be your friend. Love to you and Richard xx

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Joy
5/10/2018 03:27:32 pm

Thank you Jenny. xx

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Kaye
6/10/2018 08:27:37 pm

Oh Joy thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine your heart ache. As parents oh how we wish we could change things. You and Richard have been so brave and you are both such loving and caring people to all around you.
So very pleased to have your friendship
xxxxx

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Joy
7/10/2018 09:24:56 am

Thank you Kaye, feeling very humbled and so grateful. xx

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Catherine Watson
8/10/2018 08:58:03 am

Thank you for your courage, Joy. I know how hard it was to write this. I learnt things I didn’t know about depression. You remind us of our fragility as humans. We all need support. We must learn to look out for our friends and family and community and ask for help when we need it.

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Joy
11/10/2018 11:11:33 am

Thank you so much Catherine for your support and encouragement in writing our story. The more I learn about depression and mental health the more I am aware that we have to be so kind and look after each other in a more active and communicative way.
Thank you Catherine for your dedication in ensuring that the Bass Coast Post has a voice on issues that mean so much and impact on all of us in the Bass communities. Your efforts are absolutely fabulous and your encouragement to others is huge.

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Janice Orchard link
8/10/2018 06:54:27 pm

What can I say. Thank you for writing from the depths of your grief. You are right about the stigma associated with the word "suicide". When KernArt was looking for a worthy cause to donate the profits of our art show I put forward the Support After Suicide group. Unfortunately our major sponsor objected as they thought it would have a negative impact on them....go figure. So now we donate the money to programs connected to helping people with mental health issues in the hope of preventing them taking that final and irrevocable step.

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Joy
11/10/2018 11:17:49 am

Thank you Janice and the stigma had often surprised and shocked me. Support After Suicide is a fabulous group and I hate to think where I would be without the help they gave me when I needed it most. Suicide awareness is very important but support after losing someone in such tragic and traumatic circumstances is vital also. Thank you for all that you do Janice.

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Alison Grant
10/10/2018 12:03:41 am

Thank you for sharing your story Joy your so brave
Sending much love to yourself and your family

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Joy
11/10/2018 11:20:16 am

Thank you so much Alison for all the kindness you give to me and all that you do in our small community.

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Ian link
10/10/2018 04:05:28 pm

Wow! This is a powerful reflection of the circumstances and changes your life has taken since Nicole's decision. Your strength and care for others over these past years, underlies how from such a tragic loss, you are able to comfort and support others in need of help.
An inch of time is an inch of gold.

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Joy
11/10/2018 11:57:28 am

Thank you Ian. Will always remember your saying about time and an inch of gold at our group sessions after we had both lost our children and the rawness of our grief. Like you, I want to give something back but you are remarkable wwuth all that you do. Thank you Ian for being a part if my life at as time when it was so bleak. Looking forward to catching up soon.

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Lisa Dean
10/10/2018 07:24:35 pm

Thankyou Joy for sharing your story. We have a similar one with our son Elliot who suicided at 17. We were blindsided as well and will never be the same happy family that we were. In Elliot's case, we think crippling anxiety was his demon but, as your Nicole, he was a perfectionist too. You never know what people are thinking and when they get to a certain stage of despair, they can't hear the words of love you tell them. Sending my family's love to yours.x

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Joy
11/10/2018 12:05:03 pm

Lisa I totally understand and such a traumatic loss means you will never be the same again but life is so precious and such a gift that we have to continue and try to help wherever possible to reduce the despair that people experience and takes them down tthe path to end their life. Sending love and kindness and joy to you and Ian's infamous quote is so true. An inch of time is an inch of gold. Take care, xx

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